Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Randomize
