I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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