Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
