Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
