My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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