shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
