the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
