We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
