My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
barbara walters just said penis...
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
