I just threw up on my dentist
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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