Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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