As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Randomize
