also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
