im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
