you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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