my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
My bed smells like the plague
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
