All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
