I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize