Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
