the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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