just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
