You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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