My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
