She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
My ATM looks so different sober.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
