I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
