He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
