I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Randomize