PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I just gift wrapped bread.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize