nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
two words: eviction party
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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