you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
