So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
