Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
