regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
