Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
