Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
