Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
