In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
