see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
