Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
