I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
