im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
