She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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