It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
That accounts for only three of the penises
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
