I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
