before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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