when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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