Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
