You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
