he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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