I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
