I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
