About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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