he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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