I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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