This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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