sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
