That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
